Sotto Voce

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 06:11:48 GMT

I started workplacement at a private psychologist clinic.

I realise that I'm just not cut out to be a clinical psychologist. My supervisor is lovely, but reading all the files has confirmed that I look at the world through rose tinted lenses.

I'm so emotionally drained right....

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 01:57:48 GMT

I applied for my very first job as a psychologist at Centrelink.

I really hope I get it and I hope even more that if i get it, that i dont fuck anyone's head up.

Neverthless, I'm going to be a provisionally registered psychologist soon! yay.

Least all my years of studying are proving fruitful.

At Beautiful.

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 05:18:48 GMT

Im not sure what it was. Im not sure how i got there.

But when i closed my eyes...I was at Beautiful.

When i closed my eyes
When i closed my eyes
When i closed my eyes

I was at a destination that washed over me.

And until the sun rose. Until i opened my eyes. I was at Beautiful.

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 13:15:53 GMT

Im moving to newcastle...

its a terrifying experience...

Im going to miss the local pubs, the shopping and more specifically, my friends..

My best friends...Margaret and Katrina..

What am I doing? Something within me is disturbed, perplexed by this decision. It is a change, a million light years from stability....perhaps it is something i need? something to stir this disorientation that is menancing my very being...

Margaret and Kat..

Especially M, who has supported me throughout, every event that has happened, without judgement, without snake eyes, and with complete support.

New oceans, new sand, new stones.....

all suck me into the centre of my being into a state of complete neurosis..

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 04:19:23 GMT

This literature review is killing me.

Ive been stuck in this bloody room with no air and just an ugly monitor and keyboard for the past two weeks....with the way its going im going to be stuck in here for the next two weeks.

Please kill me now.

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 03:03:34 GMT

Oh protect me. Hold me in your arms.

Its when the sun is about to set, when dusk has arrived. The grey cloak that illuminates the windows.The blinds gently swaying to the rhthym that is the wind. The air is warm. To live. To breath. To love. To admire. To respond.

Yet. I feel a deep loneliness. I am melancholy.

I lay in my bed, weeping of a sorrow that cannot be explained. Its much like whenever something fails, is broken or milk is spilt. The sadness, anger or fustration associated with the even is not in proportion with the event itself. Its like when a stranger burnt me with a ciggarette and apologised profusely. However, i still incredibly angry that such a perfect day had been ruined.

Or perhaps it was just the disccord itself.

So my dear sweet boy. Hold me. Protect me.

If tonight we could sleep- The Cure

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 23:59:06 GMT

If only tonight we could sleep
In a bed made of flowers
If only tonight we could fall
In a deathless spell
If only tonight we could slide
Into deep black water
And breathe
And breathe...

Then an angel would come
With burning eyes like stars
And bury us deep
In his velvet arms

And the rain would cry
As our faces slipped away
And the rain would cry

Don’t let it end...

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 00:49:29 GMT

So i failed my L's test today.

Im 21 and i dont even know my right from my left.

I can't whistle.

I can't walk straight without tripping over on something.

I can graduate and get a fucking degree but i cant fucking pass a fucking L's test.

Excuse all the 'fucking's'.

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 07:19:34 GMT

Ive concluded that the people in my Foundations of Analytical Psychology course are absoloutly and completely F U C K E D.

For example, we sat in a nice little circle, staring at a fucking piece of rope for an hour and made Freudian and Jung kind of associations.

There were the obvious associations such as 'its like being tied to something' or 'it could mean rescue' but once in a while this girl would pipe up and say something so incredibly 'deep' and 'meaningful' (sarcasm should be noted) such as:

"Is it the beginning or is it the end?"

or

"some unknown person put down the rope. Who will be the next to pick it up?"

I said it reminded me of the Ku Klux Klan.

Plus i sat next to a 60 year old guy that had his hands down his pants for the whole duration of the lecture. Not only that, but he would fall asleep and start snoring at certain intervals. The lecturer would look over at me and say 'oh we'll just let him sleep'.

At the end of the session the lecturer looks at us all seriously and said 'now, is there any unhappiness in the room? Please if you have an unhappiness, lets discuss it".

What the fuck is wrong with the education system???

God i felt like i was in an insane assylum.

They are all a bunch of jungian hardcore, non mickey D eating motherfuckers.

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 09:16:20 GMT

Found a bunch of old tapes under my bed...

I miss my salt n pepa days.

The past seems like a dream.

I like it that way.

Tokyo

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 06:56:05 GMT

So screwed PART II

Sun, 06 Feb 2005 02:27:05 GMT

So i spoke to my ma yesterday...she recieved a letter from Western Sydney now she want to drag my ass home from japan early.

Not happy Jan.

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 03:11:54 GMT

im sooo screwed.

I just found out that my chat session for general education is scheduled on the 17th of feb, 9:30am SYDNEY TIME! which means i have to find internet access at 7:30 am and that just isnt possible because nothing in japan opens till at least 11am!!!

OMG im gonna fail...and i need to graduate so i can start my postgraduate degree.

I wrote an email to the course coordinator and he said there was nothing he can do about it...

I also tried changing the time but no one is willing ...MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

Does this mean i have to come back early??????

i finally left my hotel room

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 10:46:57 GMT

Well today went much better...

My ma called me at 8;30 and grilled me about $1900US on the credit card

(apologies to you margaret if she grilled you too...u know how my mother is)

Then K called me...was so happy to hear his voice...Sighhhh ( i know i know...im disgustingly romantic)

Rocked up to the sony shop and checked out all the insane gadgets and played with one of those robo dogs..

Was so proud that　i left the hotel room that i bought myself some shoes, a bottle of sake and ate udon noodles (which is good considering i had been eating mickeyds for the past 2 days!)

However, it took me 2 hours to find my way back to my hotel room. Im so bad with directions!

WOw Miss Suda. You would be so proud. I managed to leave the hotel room and buy shoes, noodles and sake!

Stupidity

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 05:57:10 GMT

I like to percieve myself as a tolerant person.

But there's one thing i cannot tolerate; stupidity.

While stoned, D had this fantastic idea that we should ride horses instead of cars so that we wouldnt have to pay rego. Before he opened his big mouth he should of realised horses are a costly animal. Not that i know everything about horses, and not that its really worth even talking about, but FUCK...i feel like i want to tear my hair out.

Its gotten to a point where we no longer say 'that person is so smart' we say 'that person isnt an idiot'.

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill- Lauryn Hill

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 23:03:18 GMT

My world it moves so fast today
The past it seems so far away
And I squeeze it so tight, I can't breathe
And every time I try to be
What someone has thought of me
So caught up, I wasn't able to acheive
But deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny
I look at my environment
What someone has thought of me
So caught up, I wasn't able to acheive
But deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny
I look at my environment
And wonder where the fire went
What happened to everything we used to be
I hear so many cry for help
Searching outside of themselves
Now I know His strength is within me
And deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny
And deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny

Im just waiting for my cigarette to burn out before i do...

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 22:57:20 GMT

In a few days everything will change.

The course of my life will move in a different direction.

Its fate. I cant be still for all eternity. I need movement, continuity, fire.

Strength. Courage. Where are you both when i need you most?

Sat, 04 Dec 2004 11:56:10 GMT

M smashed a whole bunch of plate in the kitchen this morning. I think it was justified. T should of been there for her. As a friend, she has been there for me more then anyone. No judgement and no questions asked. It means more to me then she will ever know. Shes going out tonight so i made her promise me 'no drugs'. She agreed. I wish she would believe in herself because i do.

Those that are wonderful never know it.

Something isnt right with that. The world is quite odd.

I walked M home and met X at the pub. I saw E. She looks at me quite oddly now and we engaged in the usual conversation where either of us really care but pretend to. X and I decided to leave and go to the playground.Swings are excellent for stress relief as are monkey bars. We were talking over a cigarette (which was beginning to make me feel nauseous from the movement of the swing). His mechanic told him that you can never have what you want. I replied 'but if you had it, would you still want it?'.

Humans are very fickle creatures. We only want something because of the challenge of having it. Its the pleasure of the pain. So how do you know if you really want it? We always know what we dont want, but how do we know what we want? Its frightening to believe that we are searching for something intangible, something that could very well be non existent.

I think im going crazy. But thats okay. Crazy is good.

Sun, 14 Nov 2004 12:15:30 GMT

I spoke to S tonight. He understands me like no other. It all seemed so complicated but now i realise its quite simple. Whatever happens happens for a reason and couldnt of happened any other way. Life is too short and too fragile not to take opportunities that are given to you.

Be true to thyself.

lomo! lomo!!! Lommmoooo!

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 09:24:38 GMT

Yeah baby im getting me one of these....(shop.lomography.com) yay!

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 05:15:43 GMT

My ma is going in to the hospital for a colonoscopy tommorow.

She might have cancer.

I havent cried this much in a long time.

Whatever.

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 12:34:26 GMT

I made him a daisy chain, because if we were in primary school friends,thats just the sort of thing i'd do.

him: "there's ants crawling all over this grass"
Me: "well the beach would be better."
him: "Lets go to coogee"
me: "nah i cant today, ive gotta meet some people soon. We'll go another time"
Him: "nah i cant. Im going to brisbane"

Firstly. His been saying that his going to brisbane for the last year. I dont see him going anywhere. So we ended up at the unibar. A few drinks later, he saw some 'motherfucker' who just put him in a shitty mood for the next few hours.

So i said i had to go

Me: "i gotta go now. I'll bring the phone for you this week"
Him: "nah im going to brisbane"

Stupidity.

So i kissed him on the cheek and said that i would bring him the phone.

Again he responded 'nah im going to brisbane'. I turned and said 'whatever'and walked.

Approx 3 mins later he smsed me

"Ive got the feeling that your not too happy with me. I'll be at uni on thursday if your not too angry with me".

Call me cynical but i believed that he just felt bad and wanted to make himself feel better. Who the fuck knows?

I responded saying 'nah its okay. If you want call me on thursday".

He said "Will do. THat motherfucker at the bar got under my skin. I didnt want your phone because it would be a daily reminder of you".

Whatever. Its just a fucking phone.

Beautiful

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 11:54:27 GMT

Beautiful- India Arie

The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shinning
And I want to live inside the glow
Yeah

I wanna go to place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna got to a place time as no consequence oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand that it not that I don't care
But right know these wall are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself

But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let of the pain with all my might

I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

Exquisite.

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 09:50:36 GMT

"Happiness is the absence of fever." Proust

I have awaken. I have arrived. Yet i struggle with this. Emotions are irrational because i cannot control them. At the same time i need this irrationality as if its the last breathe of air i will ever inhale. I wanted disorder. I wanted to dance. Now that im dancing, i feel my heels ache, my toes bleed, my ankles break. I cannot decide whether i want to continue dancing or continue sleeping. Can someone be half asleep and half awake? Or is it just this inevitable struggle, this constant process that creates, moulds, shapes us so we can some how 'survive' in society? What they call survival is nothing but an incurable disease of the brain. Perhaps syphillis. Perhaps HIV. Who the fuck knows. Its like the pain of a bleeding rectum. You cant sit and you cant stand. Perhaps you can crawl? After all, hundreds, millions, trillions of maggots crawl through life leaving behind the smell of rancid meat. This slimey contagious residue that sticks to you that cannot be avoided. However, you need this slime to acknowledge reality. The reality that there is no point struggling. Just give it all the fuck up. Reduce yourself to a big fat fucking ZERO. Thats what everyone does anyone.

But in my world. In my dreams. In my reality. Being zero is without feeling. Without desire. Without love. Without jealousy. Without denial. Without guilt. Without hurt. Without suffering. Without joy. Your heart ceases to pump blood. Your nervous system shrivels into what you used to call your skin. Your nails rot into yellow ash. You hollow into an exquisitely anorexic creature. You believe you are beautiful. Yet without fever, all that is really there is a grotesque zero.

Cazart!

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 08:42:10 GMT

I'm insatiable. I can't think about you any longer. It pains me. But what shatters me is that i know your thinking about me too.

Shattered by Remy Zero

grace in light
somehow i found you here
torn from the hope and fear
holds us inside
pull me out
out from the world i've known
and all love was broken cold
brought me here

from you one look
just one look and everything is shattered
from you one word
towers burn and fall, fall, fall

just be still
arms just surround like the sun
facing the life we've begun
it holds us inside

from you one look
just one look and everything is shattered
from you one word
towers burn and fall, fall, fall
from you one look
just one look and everything is shattered
from you one word
towers burn and fall and fall

fires curl
shadows surge
a hollow sound
that no one else can here
but me in silent streams
forever more we dream