Sotto Voce

I started workplacement at a private psychologist clinic.

I realise that I'm just not cut out to be a clinical psychologist. My supervisor is lovely, but reading all the files has confirmed that I look at the world through rose tinted lenses.

I'm so emotionally drained right....

I applied for my very first job as a psychologist at Centrelink.

I really hope I get it and I hope even more that if i get it, that i dont fuck anyone's head up.

Neverthless, I'm going to be a provisionally registered psychologist soon! yay.

Least all my years of studying are proving fruitful.

Im not sure what it was. Im not sure how i got there.

But when i closed my eyes...I was at Beautiful.

When i closed my eyes
When i closed my eyes
When i closed my eyes

I was at a destination that washed over me.

And until the sun rose. Until i opened my eyes. I was at Beautiful.

Im moving to newcastle...

its a terrifying experience...

Im going to miss the local pubs, the shopping and more specifically, my friends..

My best friends...Margaret and Katrina..

What am I doing? Something within me is disturbed, perplexed by this decision. It is a change, a million light years from stability....perhaps it is something i need? something to stir this disorientation that is menancing my very being...

Margaret and Kat..

Especially M, who has supported me throughout, every event that has happened, without judgement, without snake eyes, and with complete support.

New oceans, new sand, new stones.....


all suck me into the centre of my being into a state of complete neurosis..

This literature review is killing me.

Ive been stuck in this bloody room with no air and just an ugly monitor and keyboard for the past two weeks....with the way its going im going to be stuck in here for the next two weeks.

Please kill me now.

Oh protect me. Hold me in your arms.

Its when the sun is about to set, when dusk has arrived. The grey cloak that illuminates the windows.The blinds gently swaying to the rhthym that is the wind. The air is warm. To live. To breath. To love. To admire. To respond.

Yet. I feel a deep loneliness. I am melancholy.

I lay in my bed, weeping of a sorrow that cannot be explained. Its much like whenever something fails, is broken or milk is spilt. The sadness, anger or fustration associated with the even is not in proportion with the event itself. Its like when a stranger burnt me with a ciggarette and apologised profusely. However, i still incredibly angry that such a perfect day had been ruined.

Or perhaps it was just the disccord itself.


So my dear sweet boy. Hold me. Protect me.

If only tonight we could sleep
In a bed made of flowers
If only tonight we could fall
In a deathless spell
If only tonight we could slide
Into deep black water
And breathe
And breathe...

Then an angel would come
With burning eyes like stars
And bury us deep
In his velvet arms

And the rain would cry
As our faces slipped away
And the rain would cry

Don’t let it end...

So i failed my L's test today.

Im 21 and i dont even know my right from my left.

I can't whistle.

I can't walk straight without tripping over on something.

I can graduate and get a fucking degree but i cant fucking pass a fucking L's test.

Excuse all the 'fucking's'.

Ive concluded that the people in my Foundations of Analytical Psychology course are absoloutly and completely F U C K E D.

For example, we sat in a nice little circle, staring at a fucking piece of rope for an hour and made Freudian and Jung kind of associations.

There were the obvious associations such as 'its like being tied to something' or 'it could mean rescue' but once in a while this girl would pipe up and say something so incredibly 'deep' and 'meaningful' (sarcasm should be noted) such as:

"Is it the beginning or is it the end?"

or

"some unknown person put down the rope. Who will be the next to pick it up?"

I said it reminded me of the Ku Klux Klan.

Plus i sat next to a 60 year old guy that had his hands down his pants for the whole duration of the lecture. Not only that, but he would fall asleep and start snoring at certain intervals. The lecturer would look over at me and say 'oh we'll just let him sleep'.

At the end of the session the lecturer looks at us all seriously and said 'now, is there any unhappiness in the room? Please if you have an unhappiness, lets discuss it".

What the fuck is wrong with the education system???

God i felt like i was in an insane assylum.

They are all a bunch of jungian hardcore, non mickey D eating motherfuckers.

Found a bunch of old tapes under my bed...

I miss my salt n pepa days.

The past seems like a dream.

I like it that way.

 

 

 

 

 

So i spoke to my ma yesterday...she recieved a letter from Western Sydney now she want to drag my ass home from japan early.

Not happy Jan.

im sooo screwed.

I just found out that my chat session for general education is scheduled on the 17th of feb, 9:30am SYDNEY TIME! which means i have to find internet access at 7:30 am and that just isnt possible because nothing in japan opens till at least 11am!!!

OMG im gonna fail...and i need to graduate so i can start my postgraduate degree.


I wrote an email to the course coordinator and he said there was nothing he can do about it...

I also tried changing the time but no one is willing ...MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

Does this mean i have to come back early??????

Well today went much better...

My ma called me at 8;30 and grilled me about $1900US on the credit card

(apologies to you margaret if she grilled you too...u know how my mother is)

Then K called me...was so happy to hear his voice...Sighhhh ( i know i know...im disgustingly romantic)

Rocked up to the sony shop and checked out all the insane gadgets and played with one of those robo dogs..

Was so proud that　i left the hotel room that i bought myself some shoes, a bottle of sake and ate udon noodles (which is good considering i had been eating mickeyds for the past 2 days!)

However, it took me 2 hours to find my way back to my hotel room. Im so bad with directions!

WOw Miss Suda. You would be so proud. I managed to leave the hotel room and buy shoes, noodles and sake!

I like to percieve myself as a tolerant person.

But there's one thing i cannot tolerate; stupidity.

While stoned, D had this fantastic idea that we should ride horses instead of cars so that we wouldnt have to pay rego. Before he opened his big mouth he should of realised horses are a costly animal. Not that i know everything about horses, and not that its really worth even talking about, but FUCK...i feel like i want to tear my hair out.

Its gotten to a point where we no longer say 'that person is so smart' we say 'that person isnt an idiot'.

My world it moves so fast today
The past it seems so far away
And I squeeze it so tight, I can't breathe
And every time I try to be
 What someone has thought of me
So caught up, I wasn't able to acheive
But deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny
I look at my environment
What someone has thought of me
So caught up, I wasn't able to acheive
But deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny
I look at my environment
And wonder where the fire went
What happened to everything we used to be
I hear so many cry for help
Searching outside of themselves
Now I know His strength is within me
And deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny
And deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny

 

In a few days everything will change.

The course of my life will move in a different direction.

Its fate. I cant be still for all eternity. I need movement, continuity, fire.

Strength. Courage. Where are you both when i need you most?

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel

Remembering
You standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering
You running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and wider than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage
To let it all go

Remembering
You fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white
So delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering
You how you used to be
Slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything

If only I'd thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of you

Looking so long at these pictures of you
But I never hold on to your heart
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of you

There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you

M smashed a whole bunch of plate in the kitchen this morning. I think it was justified. T should of been there for her. As a friend, she has been there for me more then anyone. No judgement and no questions asked. It means more to me then she will ever know. Shes going out tonight so i made her promise me 'no drugs'. She agreed. I wish she would believe in herself because i do.

Those that are wonderful never know it.

Something isnt right with that. The world is quite odd.

I walked M home and met X at the pub. I saw E. She looks at me quite oddly now and we engaged in the usual conversation where either of us really care but pretend to. X and I decided to leave and go to the playground.Swings are excellent for stress relief as are monkey bars. We were talking over a cigarette (which was beginning to make me feel nauseous from the movement of the swing). His mechanic told him that you can never have what you want. I replied 'but if you had it, would you still want it?'.

Humans are very fickle creatures. We only want something because of the challenge of having it. Its the pleasure of the pain. So how do you know if you really want it? We always know what we dont want, but how do we know what we want? Its frightening to believe that we are searching for something intangible, something that could very well be non existent.

I think im going crazy. But thats okay. Crazy is good.

I spoke to S tonight. He understands me like no other. It all seemed so complicated but now i realise its quite simple. Whatever happens happens for a reason and couldnt of happened any other way. Life is too short and too fragile not to take opportunities that are given to you.

Be true to thyself.